"Beard", by Misha

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Rad'en' invited me to his quarters for lunch. he said he was getting tired of seeing my dejected demeanor and hoped that spending time with my grandson would do me some good. While Mand'er napped through our meal, Rad'en' told me of his plans to take the Prince with him to Belaurii and introduce him to some long-over due military training. There were minor rumblings from forces loyal to Queen Dophe, but nothing that posed real, imminent threat.

In a few days I would return to Gelassi equipped with supplies, horses and fresh recruits, all thanks mainly to his mother's efforts. We received word that Naeri had uncovered a plot to expose her affair with Tironik and had fled to for Belaurii. There really was no good way for that to work itself out. Hezason, though elated to be rid of her, now had more time on his hands to scheme to reclaim his lost Taisia.

"Can't we just tell him already?" Rad'en' fumed.

"She's your wife, you tell him," I retorted and rubbed my jaw. I was still feeling quite naked without my beard.

The nurse came out with Mand'er and handed him to me. It had been a long time since I held a baby and I was sure I was to blame for jostling him too much and making him throw up all over my shoulder. Rad'en' laughed at me and tried to clean the mess, insisting all the while that it was his fault for not warning me that he always does that after eating.

"I remember how much I loved you when I was a child, both of you, really, even though I rarely saw you at the same time." Rad'en' commented. "No matter how much dumb shit I pulled, you always seemed to listen to me. Slightest little thing and mother wouldn't speak to me for days."

"She had you all of the time, Rad'en', I hardly think she had an easy go of it." It felt odd to defend Zbinka after all those years of being odd man out. "I was concerned about how you'd take the news," I said with some trepidation.

"About mother? After I thought about it a while I came to the crazy revelation that you were the glue that kept the whole damn arrangement from falling apart. It was always about a cause with mother, but I don't suspect it was the same with you and Nalev."

"Time to put all that to rest. We could all use a fresh start." I said anxious to end the discussion.

"When did any of you ever choose the easy path? Is this what you really want?"

"Yes."

"I don't believe you. I would go as far as to say that you were letting mother speak for you." Rad'en' accused.

"Rad'en'--"

"No, hear me out. I've spend most of my life trying to get rid of you. Mother needs her freedom, but is that so important to you or Nalev?"

"We've both done and said unconscionable things." I muttered.

"What about trying to throw him to that insufferable kranch Eburgistraten? How was that supposed to help?" Rad'en' snapped.

"We thought it would--" I paused. "Yes, that was a terrible idea."

"My mother's terrible idea?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"He's lost without you, and he's hurting. I'd wager the only one feeling worse over this whole matter is you."


So I left son and grandson and decided it was time to speak with Lev. He opened the door and invited me in. I considered that act in itself no small victory.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out.

"Sorry? You've stolen my wife, my son and my trust. Are you sorry about all of those, or is it a more selective apology?" Nalev asked stoically.

"All of those," I responded meekly.

He contemplated my face. "Very well. Is there anything else? Would you like a drink?"

"No, thank you."

"You're sure?" Nalev persisted.

"About the drink," I felt I needed to clarify.

"I think I'd like something, just the same." He brought over a bottle and two glasses. "In case you change your mind." He poured and I thanked him. He waited. "Well, go on."

"I miss you."

"You miss me?" He repeated.

"Yes."

"What exactly do you miss about me?"

I got up and walked around the room.

"I miss the way you say my name, and the way you snore in my ear like a little kitten. I miss the way you rub your foot against my leg until you fall asleep. I miss you knowing what I'm about to say before I say it. Watching you hide your vegetables or failing to achieve a meditative state because you start humming and break your concentration."

"And you laugh at me. You never were very supportive of my clerical endeavors."

"I'd laugh with you," I corrected. "Then we'd have the most absolutely unbelievable sex. I miss doing everything with you, and doing nothing."

Nalev took a drink and walked toward me.

"I love you, Misha."

"I know."

"I never told you that and I'm sorry. I deluded myself into believing that it would somehow allow me to retain some level of control. I loved you from the first moment I saw you." Nalev paused for a brief moment and commented, "You've shaved."

"Yes, I did." Then I got back on point, "Lev, it was so easy for us in the beginning."

"Arguably too easy. Far to many sleepless nights and unending days."

"I don't know how to get back," I confessed.

"Don't you?"

I studied his face as a smile broke out. "You noticed?"

"Of course I did. I despise those things. You shaved last week." Nalev replied.

"Do you?" I asked.

"You know I do. I found it most interesting that you'd shaved right before you came to tell me about your undying love for my wife."

"Ex-wife," I corrected.

"She's always had a terrible thing for beards."

"You bastard!" I exclaimed. Lev laughed at me then kissed me.

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